Tuesday, January 7, 2014

How to be a fucking person.


I was going to write about New Year's Resolutions (I resolute to blog!), but it's come to this instead.

It seems like you can't visit Facebook these days without seeing some shared post about How To Be A Real Man or Good Women Are Almost Extinct Because SLUTS and True Beauty Is On The Inside So Stop Having So Much Fun Being Pretty You Whore and This Is How You Should Go About Being A Wife or Husband  and You Should Teach Your Kids To Be Patient And That The World Doesn't Revolve Around Them but You Should Definitely Also Set Your Phone on Fire And Throw It At A Bus Anytime Your Child Comes To You, Even If She Just Wants To Show You A Booger and People Who Follow All These Rules Will Definitely Die Old Together Like In The Notebook And Everyone Else Is Just Selfish And Empty And Unhappy And They Will All Die Alone and Unloved. 



HEY.
GUYS.
QUIT IT WITH THAT SHIT.



Look. All of us--men and women of all ages--we're all under insane pressure to dress, act, and perform in certain ways all of the time. The pressure comes from innumerable angles and the messages contradict themselves at every turn. So can we just stop it with these “this is how a REAL woman/man behaves!” posts? Please???? They don't help anyone. They only serve to validate small minds and categorize human beings as either worthy or unworthy of respect, love, and joy.

You know what?
It’s okay to have sex. Be safe. Respect your partners, and don’t accept disrespect from them.
It’s okay to marry young and only ever have sex with one person.
It's okay to marry young, divorce at 70, and become a dominatrix.
It's okay to never have sex, ever ever!
It’s okay to go to church.
It’s okay to go to the club.
It's beyond okay to be this guy.
It’s okay to wear impractical heels and exhibit massive cleavage.
It’s okay to wear sensible flats and tasteful sweaters every single day.
It’s okay to prefer women who dress modestly.
It's okay to prefer godless tarts.
It’s okay to LOVE BOOBS (just remember they are attached to people).
It’s okay to take a bunch of selfies because you feel pretty.
It’s okay to not give a shit about being pretty.
It's okay to devote yourself to an important, time-consuming career.
It's okay to work a crap job and then go home and watch Netflix every night until you pass out.
It's okay to live under a bush and read people's fortunes.
It's okay to not like dogs.
It's okay to have standards.
It's okay for other people to not give a hot, salty fuck about your standards.
It's okay for people who don't live by your standards to be happy. And safe. And healthy. And successful. And fulfilled.
It's even okay to wear cardigans, despite what Nathan says. But we should take his words to heart anyways:





Why approach this stuff like it's so hard? Why seek, share, and follow such narrow thinking, or treat it like universal doctrine when there are so many different ways to be a person? Want to know how to be the perfect husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend? Maybe give your significant other a hug. Feed them food or something. The options are endless! Want to be a decent parent? I literally have no useful advice for you! Good luck! You'll do great! Want to meet someone who shares your values and interests? USE YOUR GOD-GIVEN EYES and look around. If you want to go out and party and get naked, it's easy to find like-minded company. If you want to fall in love and settle down and start a family, there are millions of people around you seeking the same thing. Pick one and strike up a conversation. This isn’t rocket science, nor is it a standardized test. It’s humanity. There’s no one way to Be A Good Person. There’s no one way to Be A Man. There’s no one way to Be A Lady. There’s only being yourself, and owning it, and dismissing unqualified definitions.


And if you're reading this, chances are you live in a place where you have so many beautiful choices. No one is going to kill you with rocks for saying or wearing the wrong thing. Do you realize what an outrageous privilege that is, considering the kind of censorship some people on this planet have to put up with? USE THAT. DRAIN EVERY LAST DROP OF IT. You should embrace your neighbor's freedom to be sinful, or bland, or vain--however you choose to view them. Unless your neighbors play their bass too loud. Seriously. Don't be that guy. That's almost as bad as being the guy who writes blog posts about how to be---HOLD UP. I'M TOTALLY BEING THAT GUY, AREN'T I? 

CRAP. NEVERMIND.


Happy New Year, everybody!



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